When It Hurts So Bad, Why Does It Feel So Good?

When it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good?

I wish this all made sense, I wish I understood.

Not having you here with me is tearing me up inside,

but I can’t stop thinking about you, no matter how hard I try.

Loving you feels so right

But at the same time

Knowing I can’t be with you

Keeps me up at night.

I just want this to be simple

I want you here with me

To look into your eyes, to be held in your arms

Then I would be truly happy

Because no-one else comes close to you

No-one makes me feel the way you do

You’re so special to me

And you’ll always be, eternally

Killing Butterflies

Nothing else in the world matters.

Because I got to speak to my Beloved today.

To say that I am still floating on cloud nine is an understatement.

I am positively beaming, glowing, radiating.

But somehow I need to let go of those feelings.

So how do I switch off these emotions?

Tell me how to kill
the butterflies.

Which is like plucking the feathers from my wings.

And yet, no matter the distance, through space and time.

When I need you the absolute most,even without me telling you.

You are with me. In the way that I need you.

From being the most precious birthday gift ever received.

To saving my life whilst my mom was fighting for hers.

And today for reminding me how Loved I am.

When the rest of the world is suggesting otherwise.

That is why it is so difficult to let you go.

I’m sorry for turning your life upside down.

For the chaos and destruction and hurt.

Just know that was never my intention.

All I wanted was to Love you.

In every way possible.

Always Yours,

~S~

Looking For Love – Part One

My Dear Beloved, [for that is who you shall remain to me, for eternity]

As you can no doubt imagine, your untimely departure left a huge void in my life. Whilst there is naught I can do about the heartbreak except allow time to heal my wounds, I thought that I could at least address the extreme loneliness I have felt in your absence.

Furthermore, my dreams of having someone to share my life with did not dissipate with your leaving, and in fact my fantasy was further fueled with a desire to bestow upon my Soulmate, my love, my attention and my affection.

I thought that person would be you. More than anything; my soul, my heart, my body, wanted that person to be you. And despite all circumstance [yours] and indications [mine] to the contrary; my yearning for you lingers in the depths of my wretched soul.

So finally, after much deliberation I joined the dating site … in search of another You.  A new You that could love me as intensely as You do.  A new You that I could love as purely as I love You.  All I wanted was another You, but a You that would stay and choose to be with me.

Within hours of uploading my very verbose profile the messages came flooding in. Despite my very stringent requirements specified, the majority of the applicants were unsuitable, and so the sifting process began.

The married men. Delete.

The separated men. Delete.

The too young boys. Delete.

The very old men. Delete.

The men who couldn’t string a comprehensive sentence together. Delete.

The men who addressed me as Babe, Babes, Baby or Sexy. Delete.

Having filtered through approximately 200 candidates, no more than 50 hopefuls remained and I responded to those communications.  Though it must be noted that not one message contained a poem, a quote nor any reference to The Beloved, despite my narrative being littered with Rumisms.

To be honest, it was a painful process; it felt so clinical and my heart definitely wasn’t in it.  Despite this, I remained committed to finding my new You.  The 50 swiftly decreased to 6; obliterating any men who didn’t share my values, who belittled my beliefs or who proved to have no sustainable communication skills.

My ruthless slashing left me with:


1.         The very charming trauma surgeon residing in another province

2.         The unassuming shy IT specialist sharing your name – albeit with different spelling

3.         The slightly older and quite naughty orthopedic surgeon

4.         The too young IT consultant who made the cut due to his spiritual maturity

5.         The world renowned sporting celebrity with huge heart also in a different province

6.         The tenacious and very persistent IT professional

[yes, I also found the multitude of IT guys quite bizarre]

So with the list whittled to a more manageable number, I escalated my search to the next level.  BBM pins were exchanged and the chatting commenced.

And I Remember You

Remember this day … remember this twilight, when the crescent moon hung in the sky like it did tonight … curved and calling.  I will never forget that fateful day, when I was sitting across from this very tree; and I remember I was thinking of you my Love, when I took this photo.

The weeping willow which witnessed my first kiss;
Swaying in the wind as I finally exhaled.
She’s tasted the rain of my tears and tickled my ears,
Shaded young lovers taking refuge from the world.

And I was reading this book at the time.  Of all books. On that day. Or at least, trying to read it.  Truth be told I couldn’t concentrate  Not because of the content, au contraire … but because my mind was on you, I could barely do anything other than think of you (nothing much has changed since).

Have I told you today how much I love you? Because oh my God, there is no truer fact in this Universe.  Nothing is more real than what I feel for you.

I LOVE YOU!

I love you with all my body, heart and soul.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

A life without love is a waste.
“Should I look for spiritual love, or material, or physical love?”,
don’t ask yourself this question.
Discrimination leads to discrimination.
Love doesn’t need any name, category or definition.
Love is a world itself.
Either you are in, at the center…
either you are out, yearning.

~ Shams Tabrizi ~

Every Time … I Want … Forever

My Dear Beloved.

Every time I’m about to see you,
I think I can’t be more nervous and excited than the last time.

And yet moments before your imminent arrival,
the butterflies in my tummy increase the fluttering of their silk tipped wings.

My hand instinctively rests on my chest,
in a vain attempt to control the irregular beating of my heart.

I want the first sight at each breaking dawn to be of your beautiful face;
I want to lay my eyes upon you before I close them at night to meet you once again in my dreams.

Every time I kiss you,
I think our embrace can’t be warmer than the last.

And then your soft lips touch mine,
for the first time, for the hundredth time, for the thousandth time.

Your stubble bristles against my chin, my cheek, my upper lip;
leaving behind a pale pink reminder that you kissed me.

I want to kiss you for hours every day;
making out like naughty teenagers, lip-swelling, tongue-numbing kisses, sighs drowning in each other’s mouths.

Every time we make love,
I think my desire for your can’t grow any stronger.

And then you enter me, filling me with your essence,
your body fitting mine like the missing piece of a puzzle.

Our bodies moving as one, riding the crest of the wave together;
a dance seemingly choreographed by the heavens.

I want to make love to you, every day,
sometimes twice or twice or more; the kama sutra having nothing on our sensual tantric love; yearning for our sacred union.

Every time you leave,
I think it can’t hurt more than the previous departure.

And as you shut the door; my heart shatters into a million pieces,
the shards cutting away at my insides, tearing me apart.

Each breath I reluctantly take, laboured and painful;
slowly suffocating the decaying remains of my mortal effigy.

I want you to come home to me, to give us our fairytale happily ever after;
Shameet together always and forever in this lifetime; never to walk away or let go.

Letter to My Beloved

 

My Dear Beloved

My laptop isn’t working
and now even our home on my phone is freezing.
Now I can’t even go home tonight.
When I need to, so badly.

So I thought I’d find you here.

It was hard seeing my mom tonight …
Don’t even want to talk or think about it …

I just wanted to walk out of the ICU and into an embrace.
Your embrace.

Instead I came home, put the kids to bed …
Climbed in a hot bath with SMP and cried.

Fuck always having to be strong,
sometimes I just want to fall to pieces.

Tonight I’m sad and I’m tired.
And my heart is very very sore.

Hmmm, and then you came online.
And sent me a poem.
And just like that, like tender butterfly kisses,
first kisses under velvet skies.

I feel lighter.
I feel lovelier.
I feel loved.
I feel less lonely.
I feel.

Your words are a warm embrace to come home to.
Your voice a soothing lullaby …

Thank the gods and goddesses,
I was spoilt by you, with you, today.

Your Immortal Beloved,
stuck in a mortal’s life.

For every day until we shed ourselves of us,
melting into one another …
and then for an eternity thereafter …

That’s how long I will Love you.